🎄 HOLIDAY EDITION
The Distinguished Critic’s Gift Guide
Somewhere in your life is a person who quotes The Room at dinner, owns opinions about Neil Breen, and considers Samurai Cop essential viewing. They are impossible to shop for. Until now. Every present below is inspired by the worst movies ever made, and selected with all the care and judgment those films deserve.
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Props from the Masterpieces
Gifts that require an explanation, which is the whole point.
“Anything for my princess.”
A Red Dress for Your Loved One
As seen in The Room
Present it the way Johnny did: with total sincerity and no follow-up questions. Your princess deserves nothing less.
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Anything for my princess“You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
Stress Relief Ball Set
As seen in The Room
For the moments when life tears you apart. Squeeze firmly. Screaming optional, but historically accurate.
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Hold it together“Oh, hi Mark.”
A Funny “Oh Hi” Welcome Mat
As seen in The Room
Greet every guest with the warmth and casual timing of a man who just denied everything on a rooftop.
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Oh, hi guests“Tuxedos. Footballs. Real men.”
Tuxedo T-Shirt
As seen in The Room
Recreate the alley football scene in full formalwear. Stand four feet apart. Never explain why.
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Toss it like Johnny“Olympic-level conviction.”
Professional Spinning Dance Pole
As seen in Showgirls
Own your own pole and out-dance Nomi Malone by this afternoon. Portable, professional-grade fitness equipment for the dedicated performer. Medal not included; the judges never give her one either.
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Begin your training“Finally, homework worth doing.”
Showgirls Activity Book
As seen in Showgirls
A real activity book devoted entirely to Showgirls. Puzzles, games, and coloring for the scholar who has seen it more times than is medically advisable. The perfect gag gift.
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Start studying“It’s Versayce.”
A Sequined Party Dress
As seen in Showgirls
Pronounce the designer however you like. Wear it with the confidence of a woman who has never once been corrected.
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It’s pronounced Versayce“I used to like Doggie Chow too.”
Gourmet Dog Treats
As seen in Showgirls
The snack that brought two showgirls together. For your dog. We assume.
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Share a moment“The pool scene, but responsibly.”
Glam Gold Pool Float
As seen in Showgirls
Recreate the most athletic swim in movie history with significantly less splashing.
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Make a splash“Badge. Gun. Katana.”
Tanjiro Costume Katana with Scabbard
As seen in Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance
Every detective needs a sidearm. This one is officially licensed, 31 inches, plastic, and safe for the living room. The badge is up to you.
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Honor the code“Blend into the shadows. Loudly.”
Adult Black Ninja Costume
As seen in Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance
Hood, mask, gloves, and the quiet confidence of a man about to lose a sword fight to a detective with magnificent hair. Perfect for screenings, Halloween, and sneaking into the kitchen.
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Join the clan“Magnificent hair, available separately.”
Black Ponytail Samurai Wig
As seen in Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance
The star famously wore a wig in the reshoots. Now you can too. Tie it up for the sword fight, let it down for the love scene, and never, ever explain the change.
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Become magnificent“Peak physical fitness.”
Adjustable Dumbbell Set
As seen in Samurai Cop
A samurai cop does not simply happen. It takes iron, dedication, and at least one tank top.
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Start the training montage“Oh my God!”
Goblin Mask
As seen in Troll 2
Hand it to a guest during the screening. Their reaction will be more convincing than anything in the film.
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Visit Nilbog“The double-decker bologna sandwich.”
Giant Sandwich Plush Pillow
As seen in Troll 2
All the hospitality of a forbidden snack, none of the consequences. Do not let grandpa see.
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Make it a double-decker“Not the bees!”
Gourmet Honey Gift Set
As seen in The Wicker Man
Everything sweet about bees, with none of the screaming. A thoughtful present for the Nicolas Cage devotee.
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Bring on the bees“A bold costume choice.”
Bear Costume
As seen in The Wicker Man
Nicolas Cage once wore one while doing something we cannot describe on a family website. Wear yours to the screening.
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Suit up“Pain don’t hurt.”
Deluxe First Aid Kit
As seen in Road House
Philosophically, pain does not hurt. Practically, you’ll want bandages.
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Be nice“Turtle! Turtle!”
Turtle Costume
As seen in The Master of Disguise
The disguise that solved the case. Nobody suspects the turtle.
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Go undercover“Forecast: sharks.”
Shark Umbrella
As seen in Sharknado
For when the weather report says rain and the movie says otherwise.
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Check the forecast“Every dog needs a fin.”
Shark Costume for Dogs
As seen in Sharknado
Weather may vary. Your dog will be prepared regardless.
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Unleash the fin“Love finds a way.”
Inflatable T-Rex Costume
As seen in Tammy and the T-Rex
The romantic lead every Tammy deserves. Fully inflatable. Emotionally unavailable.
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Find your T-Rex“Grab the coat hangers.”
Wire Coat Hangers
As seen in Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Standard-issue avian defense equipment, as seen in the film’s bird attacks. Also hangs coats.
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Defend the coast“Fight birds with birds.”
Owl Decoy
As seen in Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Deterrence for the next eagle invasion. Explodes on impact in your imagination only.
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Hold the perimeter“Future events will affect you in the future.”
Flying Saucer Model
As seen in Plan 9 from Outer Space
Hang it from a clearly visible string for full period accuracy.
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Prepare for the future“Handle with extreme caution.”
A Frisbee
As seen in Hard Ticket to Hawaii
Fans of the film know this is the most dangerous object in Hawaii. Throw it gently. Very gently.
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Throw responsibly“Gorilla suit + diving helmet = alien.”
Gorilla Costume
As seen in Robot Monster
Add a diving helmet and you have recreated a 1953 invasion from space with total accuracy.
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Conquer Earth“Even Mars needs Christmas.”
Alien Antenna Headbands
As seen in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Martian holiday attire for the whole family. Pairs well with a Santa hat and a confused expression.
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Save Christmas“Cleaning up the town. Literally.”
A Heavy-Duty Mop
As seen in Toxic Avenger
The weapon of choice for New Jersey’s most hygienic superhero. Tutu sold separately.
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Clean up the town“Behold, the floating head.”
Giant Stone Head Planter
As seen in Zardoz
A garden tribute to the most majestic floating head in science fiction. Does not float. Does not judge.
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Worship the head“Digital fur technology not included.”
Cat Ears Headband
As seen in Cats
Join the Jellicle ball without the visual effects budget.
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Become a Jellicle“The machines are watching.”
Remote Control Monster Truck
As seen in Maximum Overdrive
Keep the controller close. In this household, the truck answers to you.
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Stay in control“Cocoon-grade cotton candy.”
Cotton Candy Machine
As seen in Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Delicious when spun at home. Considerably less so when spun by visitors from space.
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Spin responsibly“Friends for eternity.”
Keytar
As seen in Miami Connection
Taekwondo is half the lifestyle. The synth solo is the other half.
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Join Dragon Sound“Save the community center.”
Retro Boombox Speaker
As seen in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
Bluetooth on the inside, 1984 on the outside.
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Boogaloo“This time it’s personal.”
Giant Shark Plush
As seen in Jaws: The Revenge
A shark that holds a grudge across several states. Fortunately, this one is very soft.
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Make it personal“A duck of distinction.”
Giant Rubber Duck
As seen in Howard the Duck
A dignified tribute to cinema’s most complicated waterfowl.
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Get quacking“Learn to fly a fighter jet in a week.”
Flight Simulator Joystick
As seen in Battlefield Earth
Cavemen mastered Harrier jets in seven days using flight simulators. You have a whole weekend.
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Begin flight school“Every shot, tilted.”
Laser Level
As seen in Battlefield Earth
The cinematographer tilted nearly every shot in the film. Make sure your home décor does not suffer the same fate.
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Straighten things out“Written, directed, produced, scored, and starring.”
Director’s Chair
As seen in Ben & Arthur
For the auteur who refuses to let anyone else do anything. One chair is all you need.
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Take your seat“Take one. Only one.”
Movie Clapperboard
As seen in Ben & Arthur
Mark every scene of your own masterpiece. Second takes are for the uncommitted.
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Roll camera“Drop that zero and get with the hero.”
Retro ’90s Color Block Windbreaker
As seen in Cool as Ice
Loud enough to be heard over a motorcycle engine. Tells everyone a hero has arrived in town.
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Get with the hero“Small town. Big jump.”
Retro Motorcycle Helmet
As seen in Cool as Ice
For dramatic entrances and leaping over things that did not need to be leapt over.
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Ride into town“Survival gear: one pair of cutoffs.”
Short Running Shorts
As seen in Deadly Prey
The hero survived an entire mercenary army in these. Your morning jog will be easy.
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Start running“Become one with the woods.”
Camouflage Face Paint Kit
As seen in Deadly Prey
Hide from mercenaries, relatives, and anyone asking you to help them move.
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Disappear“Saving the world from a desert campsite.”
Portable Solar Panel Charger
As seen in Double Down
Every elite agent conducting world-changing missions from the desert needs a reliable power source.
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Power the mission“A Neil Breen essential.”
Laptop Cooling Pad
As seen in Double Down
Neil Breen’s heroes depend on laptops. Keep yours cool under the pressure of saving humanity.
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Prepare for hacking“Prehistoric, and proud of it.”
Caveman Costume
As seen in Eegah
Live in the desert. Fall in love with a teenager’s girlfriend. Get an unforgettable shave.
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Go prehistoric“The most famous shave in cinema.”
Beard Trimmer
As seen in Eegah
Recreate the legendary desert grooming scene in the comfort of your bathroom.
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Get groomed“Ireland’s first martial arts epic.”
Foam Practice Nunchucks
As seen in Fatal Deviation
Train like a returning hero without denting the furniture.
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Train for the tournament“Fight hard. Rest properly.”
Irish Breakfast Tea Gift Set
As seen in Fatal Deviation
Every martial artist needs a recovery ritual. This one is very Irish.
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Put the kettle on“A mystical object changes everything.”
Mystical Crystal Set
As seen in Fateful Findings
Unlock supernatural abilities, or at least decorate a shelf with conviction.
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Unlock your powers“Hack the planet. Expose the conspiracy.”
Mechanical Keyboard
As seen in Fateful Findings
For typing world-changing exposés at a dramatic pace.
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Start hacking“Spring break, but make it a musical.”
Karaoke Machine
As seen in From Justin to Kelly
Some people bring sunscreen to the beach. Visionaries bring choreography and a sound system.
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Start the duet“Synchronized leisure.”
Waterproof Beach Speaker
As seen in From Justin to Kelly
For spontaneous musical numbers at the water’s edge.
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Hit the beach“Gobble gobble.”
Turkey Hat
As seen in Gigli
The most quoted line in the film, now in wearable form. Perfect for Thanksgiving dinner.
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It’s turkey time“Exactly what it says.”
Craft Glitter Set
As seen in Glitter
Bring the title to life. You will be finding it for years. That is the point.
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Add sparkle“Every career move deserves a power ballad.”
Wireless Karaoke Microphone
As seen in Glitter
Hit the high notes in the kitchen. Nightclub lighting not included.
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Find your voice“Gymnastics. Karate. Diplomacy.”
Folding Balance Beam
As seen in Gymkata
Practice the dismount that saves the free world. Village pommel horse not included.
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Stick the landing“The legendary rake fight.”
Garden Rake
As seen in Hobgoblins
A humble garden tool that became one of cinema’s most unforgettable weapons. Please use it on leaves.
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Prepare for battle“Careful what you wish for.”
Goblin Plush Toy
As seen in Hobgoblins
Small, fuzzy, and capable of making your fantasies dangerously real.
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Release the goblins“Examining the moral state of humanity.”
Illuminated Desk Globe
As seen in I Am Here.... Now
For judging the planet from the comfort of your desk, as a mysterious being would.
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Examine humanity“An Oscar winner’s most important coffee commercial.”
Mini Donut Maker
As seen in Jack and Jill
Make the snack that defined Al Pacino’s finest hour, at home.
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Make it Dunkaccino-level“Double the Sandler.”
Matching Sibling T-Shirts
As seen in Jack and Jill
For family visits that last longer than anyone planned.
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Embrace the twin“Found it in the desert. Kept it.”
Toy Space Laser Blaster
As seen in Laserblast
A harmless light-and-sound blaster for the teenager in all of us who would absolutely have picked it up.
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Power up“A friend from very far away.”
Alien Plush
As seen in Mac and Me
Big eyes, small body, enormous dependence on soda and candy.
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Adopt an alien“The official snack of interstellar travelers.”
Skittles Party Size Bag
As seen in Mac and Me
The candy the little aliens can’t get enough of. Neither can you.
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Feed the aliens“The Master would not approve.”
Hooded Ritual Robe Costume
As seen in Manos: The Hands of Fate
For leading a mysterious lodge, or wandering the house at 2 a.m.
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Join the lodge“For Torgo.”
Knee Pads
As seen in Manos: The Hands of Fate
Torgo walked a great deal and complained about none of it. You deserve support.
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Support Torgo“Judge, jury, and moustache.”
Police-Style Aviator Sunglasses
As seen in R.O.T.O.R.
The official eyewear of rogue robotic law enforcement.
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Enforce the law“Every robot needs a moustache.”
Fake Moustache Set
As seen in R.O.T.O.R.
Become an experimental police cyborg in under ten seconds.
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Become R.O.T.O.R.“Interstellar ambience.”
Galaxy Star Projector
As seen in Space Mutiny
Turn the living room into the bridge of a starship that definitely has a mutiny problem.
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Engage“Brooklyn’s finest plumbers.”
Plumbing Tool Kit
As seen in Super Mario Bros.
The official entry requirement for interdimensional heroism.
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Enter the pipe“Dress for the job you want.”
Plumber Costume Overalls
As seen in Super Mario Bros.
Red cap optional. A mustache is strongly encouraged.
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Suit up“Nightlife, on the Moon.”
Moon Lamp
As seen in The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Bring a lunar nightclub atmosphere home without a $100 million budget.
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Open the club“The party never stops. The box office did.”
Disco Ball Party Light
As seen in The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Instant nightclub. No lunar real estate required.
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Start the party“A brand-new superhero. Definitely new.”
Purple Face and Body Paint
As seen in The Amazing Bulk
Become a completely original purple hero with no resemblance to anyone else.
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Transform“Results may vary.”
Protein Powder
As seen in The Amazing Bulk
For transformations that take longer than one scene.
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Get bulk“Temptation, sliced.”
Apple Slicer
As seen in The Apple
The forbidden fruit of a futuristic disco empire, in eight convenient wedges.
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Take a bite“Twin warriors. One haircut.”
Barbarian Warrior Costume
As seen in The Barbarians
Fur, leather, and the confidence of two bodybuilders who are also brothers.
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Raid the village“The desert is not your friend.”
Desert Survival Kit
As seen in The Beast of Yucca Flats
Atomic monsters wander out there. Bring water. Bring a whistle. Bring this.
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Survive the flats“She’s still talking.”
Mannequin Head
As seen in The Brain That Wouldn't Die
Display your hats, your wigs, or your most ambitious medical ideas.
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Keep her company“Science, without supervision.”
Chemistry Lab Kit
As seen in The Brain That Wouldn't Die
For the surgeon-in-training with big plans and no ethics board.
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Begin experiments“The monster that looks like a carpet.”
Shag Area Rug
As seen in The Creeping Terror
Famous for an alien that resembled a rug. This rug is famous for resembling an alien.
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Unleash the terror“Respect the front gate.”
Autograph Book
As seen in The Fanatic
Collect signatures the polite way: by asking nicely, at public events.
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Ask nicely“Collect them all. Unfortunately.”
Garbage Pail Kids Trading Cards
As seen in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
The cards that inspired the film. Considerably less upsetting.
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Open a pack“A threat from the sky.”
Giant Bird Plush
As seen in The Giant Claw
Recreate the film’s majestic special effect, with comparable realism.
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Look up“Love is a team assignment.”
Couples Trivia Game
As seen in The Hottie & the Nottie
Find out how well you know each other before anyone negotiates a friendship agreement.
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Play matchmaker“The most valuable treasure in the galaxy.”
Premium Water Filter Pitcher
As seen in The Ice Pirates
Space pirates fought for water. You just need to fill this at the sink.
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Claim the treasure“Melting, gradually.”
Candle Making Kit
As seen in The Incredible Melting Man
Watch something melt slowly for ninety minutes. Smells much better than the film.
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Start melting“Cheap plastic fangs, worn with total commitment.”
Vampire Fangs
As seen in The Last Vampire on Earth
Nicolas Cage proved that budget fangs can carry an entire performance. Your turn.
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Get bitten“Yes, he really ate it.”
Edible Insect Snack Pack
As seen in Vampire's Kiss
Honor the most method-acted snack in cinema history. Crunchy. Protein-rich. Upsetting.
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Commit to the role“Enlightenment, on ice.”
Hockey Stick
As seen in The Love Guru
Spiritual counseling meets professional hockey, as the ancients intended.
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Find your center“Inner peace, outer absurdity.”
Meditation Cushion
As seen in The Love Guru
Sit. Breathe. Do not do any of what happens in the film.
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Find enlightenment“Arms forward. Green screen behind.”
Superhero Cape
As seen in The Pumaman
Fly exactly like Pumaman: straight ahead, very slowly, in front of a clearly visible background.
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Take flight“An ancient mask of great power.”
Golden Aztec Mask
As seen in The Pumaman
Mind-control capabilities not included. Wall-hanging capabilities included.
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Harness the power“A warrior on wheels.”
Inline Skates
As seen in The Roller Blade Seven
Journey through any surreal wasteland, or the cul-de-sac, with the commitment of a skating samurai.
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Roll out“Boundaries, reinforced.”
Door Security Bar
As seen in The Roommate
The housing office needs a better questionnaire. In the meantime, there is this.
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Set boundaries“Happy Life Day.”
Ugly Holiday Sweater
As seen in The Star Wars Holiday Special
The official attire of a holiday celebration nobody was supposed to see again.
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Celebrate Life Day“The family waits for his return.”
Chewbacca Plush
As seen in The Star Wars Holiday Special
A fuzzy reminder of the holiday special that the galaxy tried very hard to forget.
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Bring him home“Killer bees. All of them.”
Beekeeper Suit
As seen in The Swarm
An all-star cast fought the bees. You can at least dress appropriately.
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Face the swarm“A magical creature moves in.”
Retro Troll Dolls
As seen in Troll
Smaller, friendlier, and much less likely to transform your apartment into a forest.
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Welcome a neighbor“Your apartment, enchanted.”
Mushroom Fairy Terrarium
As seen in Troll
The building turns into an enchanted forest in the film. This is the safe, tabletop version.
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Grow the forest“One Neil Breen was not enough.”
Matching Hoodies Set
As seen in Twisted Pair
Twin brothers, unusual powers, dramatically different paths. Identical outfits.
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Double up“From the director of Samurai Cop.”
Retro Action Hero Sunglasses
As seen in Young Rebels
Two men, one cartel, and the eyewear required to take it down.
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Join the rebels
Stocking Stuffers
Small, affordable, and guaranteed to start a conversation at the dinner table.
Popcorn Seasoning Variety Pack
Flavors as bold as the filmmaking.
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Find it on AmazonClassic Striped Popcorn Boxes
Red and white, as cinema demands.
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Find it on AmazonMovie Theater Candy Box Assortment
Concession-stand classics without the concession-stand markup.
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Find it on AmazonBingo Daubers
Mark your Movie Night Bingo card with the authority of a professional.
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Find it on AmazonOversized Throw Blanket
For hiding behind during the scary parts and the confusing parts, which are often the same parts.
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Find it on Amazon4K Streaming Stick
Small device, enormous library of questionable greatness.
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Find it on AmazonThe Disaster Artist
Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell on the extraordinary undertaking that became The Room.
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For the Home Cinema Connoisseur
The big-ticket presents for the critic who has earned the full screening-room experience.
65-Inch 4K TV
A masterpiece deserves 65 inches. Every questionable decision in glorious 4K.
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Find it on AmazonHome Movie Projector
Turn any wall into a premiere. Turn any premiere into an event.
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Find it on AmazonSoundbar
Hear every line exactly as it was delivered. You have been warned.
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Find it on Amazon4K Streaming Stick
Small device, enormous library of questionable greatness.
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Find it on AmazonHome Theater Recliner
Cupholders. Reclining. The seat a Distinguished Critic has earned.
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Find it on AmazonTheater-Style Popcorn Machine
The cart, the kettle, the smell. Your living room becomes a premiere.
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Find it on AmazonLED Backlight Strip
Purple-and-gold mood lighting for that premiere-night feeling.
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Find it on AmazonOutdoor Projector Screen
Backyard screenings: because the neighbors deserve culture too.
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For the Scholar
Books and documentaries for the critic who wants to understand how any of this happened.
The Disaster Artist
Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell on the extraordinary undertaking that became The Room.
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Find it on AmazonMy Year of Flops by Nathan Rabin
A critic revisits Hollywood’s most famous failures with real affection.
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Find it on AmazonNightmare of Ecstasy: The Life and Art of Edward D. Wood Jr.
The oral history of the auteur behind Plan 9. Essential scholarship.
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Find it on AmazonThe Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide
A field guide from the professionals of affectionate heckling.
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Find it on AmazonBest Worst Movie (Documentary)
The cast of Troll 2 discovers the world has been celebrating them. Required viewing.
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Find it on AmazonThe Disaster Artist (Film)
Hollywood made a movie about the making of The Room. The circle is complete.
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Last-Minute & Digital
Forgot someone? These arrive instantly. Nobody needs to know.
Amazon Prime 30-Day Trial
Eligible new members can try Prime free for 30 days, including movies and shows included with Prime Video. Renews automatically unless canceled.
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Find it on AmazonAudible Free Trial
Listen to The Disaster Artist on the way to the next screening. Eligibility and terms set by Amazon.
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Find it on AmazonKindle Unlimited
Unlimited reading for the scholar who has finished the required reading. Eligibility and terms set by Amazon.
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Find it on AmazonPrime Video Channels
Add-on channels like Shudder carry many cult favorites. Extra subscription costs apply.
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